How Giving Birth is NOT like a Marathon

Me at the 2008 Hartford Marathon Finish Line

There are those women who sprint through their labor and deliveries (we hate you). And there are those that liken labor and delivery to a marathon. Not terrible analogies on the surface. But as I began to pick them apart, having run a half marathon (yes, an achievement that may end up being my sole claim to fame in life!) I saw where the latter started to break down.

1. You’re naked. Enough said.
2. There’s no way to “train” for it (unless of course, you’re on your 2nd, 3rd, etc. child, I suppose).
3. It takes WAY longer – I ran the half marathon in 2.25 hours. My labor was 11 hours.
4. You don’t get to tank up with a huge carbo-load beforehand. In other words, you have to run on empty.
5. You’re not allowed to guzzle water, sports drinks and energy cubes every mile. Whose idea was it to tease moms-in-labor with ice chips and one measly Popsicle anyway?
6. It’s not something you really want to take pictures of (I mean, seriously folks, if you really look GOOD in your birthing photos, please refer to sentence number one).
7. Taking drugs to enhance performance IS allowed (this might be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you want to give birth).
8. There’s no entertaining bands playing music to cheer you on every half mile. (I suppose you could bring your own music to the delivery room, but it’s not nearly as eclectic as the roadside bands!)
9. Hospital gowns are not nearly as stylish as the complimentary marathon training shirt.
10. You don’t get your stats printed in the newspaper the next day. (Although I suppose a birth announcement might be the equivalent, but you’re not exactly going to put your birthing stats in there!)
11. 11. You don’t get a cheap plastic medal just for participating… nope – the best way that birthing is NOT like a marathon is you’re handed a beautiful trophy of a little baby to keep forever!

Do you have any other analogies for giving birth? Or, have something to add to my list? Post a comment!