For Twenty Children, Peace.

I feel hollow. Like the soft inside of my heart was scooped out.

Newtown, Connecticut is not so far from us. We have friends who live, work, and attend school there (thankfully not that one).

In between watching the news, texting friends, hugging my babies, and thinking what-if-it-was-our-sweet-boy?, I tried to formulate sense from the senseless.

But even after Matthew had come home safe from his school and hugged us all close, I could not.

A thousand details will be revealed in the days to come and none will answer the emptiness in hearts and homes this Christmas.

I grappled with what my response to the Newtown shooting should be: as a mother, Christian, writer, fellow citizen.

As much as I obsessively speculated and talked, I thought, I have no words…there are no words for this.

But there are words. Just not my own.

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace give I unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27).

I lay awake tumbling these words through my head and heart like so many rocks. But where is the peace? And our hearts are troubled. How will we ever feel safe again? Help me to understand this promise, Lord!

The media keeps advising parents to tell their children they are safe. And my heart, that hollow space, aches as I wonder how can I promise my sons something I am not sure I can deliver? After all, twenty parents yesterday thought they were living in the safest town in America.

Then the words of Christ echo back, the less familiar part: “Not as the world giveth.”

The world has rules and laws and contingency plans…external shows of false security. It’s not real peace. It’s not what dozens of families are desperate for tonight. In fact, I cannot fathom that any words I have to say or write can assuage this deep, crushing grief.

But this: NOT as the world gives. I am only beginning to understand.

Peace in dark times can only be given by Light of the World. He arrived in darkness such as this. He came to give peace, a peace different from what humanity manufactures with locks, laws, and lies we tell ourselves.

On Friday, twenty child-souls rose from this sorrow into Peace. We certainly mourn their loss of life, but they are now at rest. It is those who remain that are frantic, or frozen, or fearful….those who need Peace tonight…

Oh, you mothers, fathers, my heart cries for you… where words fail me, I pray the God of all Comfort whispers into the dark of your pain and leaves peace there in your hearts.